Tuesday, July 24, 2012

How to make an Indian TV serial......

If there are any young dashing entrepreneurs out there who want to make it big on the tv making serials/soaps for the Indian market, all you need to do is to keep the below guidelines in mind.

- Story: Oh, don't bother beyond a first line till the 25th episode. People have patience.

- Actors: Recruit actors who can hold an emotion on the face for 20 seconds.

- Kick the director of photography out: Give a (very) long pause after every 'x' number of dialogues. (x= 1,2,3 in turn, but never greater than 3)

- Screen-play: Fill the pauses and the screen with the extremely made up faces of the actor with sounds of heavy drums or thunder or heavy music from 14 different angles. Generally with a serious face.

Now you get the idea.

- MS Powerpoint slide entry and exit animations will help creating those 14 angles. (watch out for the bit between 7 to 13 seconds..I didn't have the patience to watch beyond that)

-Coerce the viewers to experience in detail, the emotions the tv actors are feigning

- Dialogue: 20wpm.

- Lighting: Light up the room using all light that can be generated from a nuclear power plant. Use lot of rim lighting- actors hair should shine without using dove or parachute. The face should shine as if the oil was applied on the face by mistake

- Music: Loud, jarring that will get stuck in your head for 21 hours.You already saw a sickening 6 sec sample in the above Youtube link.

- Include a song- Title song, song in between, song at end-the latest trend since 10 yrs. Extends story life by 43%. Enough torture, I don't want to place a video link here. I am sure no one will read beyond this if I do that.

- Create dubbed versions to relay on multiple regional channels.

-Make 1999 episodes

- Create a marketing strategy that will make even young educated gals from gen next to watch it and even defend watching this wretched serial- this story is different, the actors are all new etc etc.

- Housewives will anyways watch it.

- Torture the boys who are really boys....